Five years is a long time. One sixth of my life, documented, several times a month. It is funny that when I read some of my old posts I can remember exactly what I was thinking at the time. Some I think exactly, "What was I thinking?" and others seem all together unfamiliar to me.
If there are any of you that have been following my blog over the last few years, or even only months, since July 07 at the very least, you will know that my life is at somewhat of a crossroads.
I've been counting down the days to a no fault divorce. I realize that there are some pretty big questions that I need to deal with. Some might be easier than others. Some have been decided already.
One question is: What do I do with the last 9 years worth of photos? I'm not talking about a shoe box here. There are literally thousands of photos documenting my life with Tracie. The last I knew Tracie has copies on her laptop, lots of them are on flickr and many are backed up on DVDs as well as my parent's computers. I plan on keeping them, the DVDs and the copies I have on my own laptop and flickr. I'll probably take more effective steps to back them up as well. So really I've decided what to do with those. Put them (the dvds) in a box. Retire the laptop when I get a new computer and only boot it up when I want to wallow in self-pity.
The second question is: What about this blog? I mean there are lots of posts discussing how much I love Tracie, how Tracie is the best thing that ever happened to me, and Tracie this that and the other thing. Which is fine, except for the fact that, I plan for my life to go on. I plan on finding someone new. Apparently I've finished with my starter wife and am now moving on to Wife 2.0. Do I ask her not to read the blog? Do I say read it at our own peril? Do I say, "This is my past, read it if you want, and realize that I've move on from most of those things."? Do I not say anything at all and hope that the new woman doesn't type, "Gary Milner Internet Superstar" into google?
The third question: Should I try to do something about this train wreck I call a marriage? Sometimes I think that I should buy a plane ticket and fly back to Australia to try and change Tracie's heart. Realistically I know that this would be crazy. Crazy enough that you could make a movie about a crazy person who would do that. In the nooks and crannies of my heart, I want Tracie back. My head argues that I can't, that I shouldn't, that I don't really, want to have her back. I won't be able to achieve my life's goals with her by my side. My heart is breaking because I truly love her, and need to find someone else to be complete. To be the type of person I want to be.
My heart fires back to my brain, "If you have to convince yourself that you shouldn't be married to her, maybe you should. A divorce is something serious enough that you shouldn't have to convince yourself. It should be obvious."
Those are just three of the questions that I'm working my way through right now. I'll just have to see what I think in five more years. Will the answers be obvious to me then? Will the heartbreak be over?
A funny thing. I saw a link to a webpage with various word-illusions. The girl in the Love-Hate Shirt was one of them. I posted the photo on flickr in April 06 and was reminded of it today. I wrote the paragraphs in block quotes before I even started on any of the personal stuff.
I'm reposting this, I think, because the last time I posted about it, I didn't mention that this effect is called an "ambigram".
There is at least one ambigram generator on the internet, but it makes rotational ambigrams rather than mirrored ambigrams. The difference being that the second word is visible when you view it upside down rather than in a mirror.
I would really like to have a shirt like this. I think that I will put it on the to-do list in my head. I guess that means that it could be years before I actually make or acquire one.
Now I'm not so sure why I wanted to repost this photo. Maybe I've been in love with the girl in the mirror this whole time while I've in fact been married to the real girl this whole time.